[Arm-netbook] Totally derailed topic
lyberta at lyberta.net
Mon Apr 24 13:10:00 BST 2017
Luke Kenneth Casson Leighton:
> i have a wise friend who very kindly gave me a definition of stress.
> he said it's when people make a comparison between the external
> (perceived) world and their internal view, cannot cope with the
> difference... and seek to blame the EXTERNAL world. "i hate your
> tie!! yesss... it's the *tie's* fault!" :)
When I was 10 or 11 years old, it became obvious to me that the only way
from this hell is to kill my classmates and teachers. If I will kill
myself, they will laugh at my corpse, if I will kill them, I will laugh
at their corpses and their parents will be busy grieving to laugh at me.
I will win. They will lose.
When I went to school I had to deal with classmates and teachers, when I
went home I had to deal with my parents. The hell never ended, it never
took a break. But I kept repeating "I will kill them, I will kill them".
Every day. From dawn to dusk. And it became my only salvation, my only
hope, my only purpose of life. With each day I was more determined. I've
always wondered my no one else did this, it was so obvious. I didn't
know about Columbine High massacre at that time.
And it was cast in stone. I'm killing them. But how to get a gun? Oh,
that turned to be hard. But I understood, I am a terrorist now. I need
to think and act as a terrorist. Any person can report myself to law
enforcement. Everyone is my potential enemy. I need to never tell anyone
any personally identifiable information, anything that can cast
suspicion. I became very paranoid. Naturally, when I've found free
software movement which promised software without malicious features,
without surveillance, I immediately recognized its immense value to my
As I grew older, my mental notebook of people I should kill has expanded
exponentially. Now it contains several billions of people. The largest
group being all religious people. And they've built a church near my
home! I should thank them for building a murder scene solely for me, now
I don't have a difficult choice of where to go on a killing spree.
But my brain had a very nasty surprise for me. I came out as transgender
to myself. Now I also can be killed for simply being LGBT. I don't mind
being killed after my killing spree because I'd have fulfilled my
purpose of life, but I mind being killed for simply being LGBT. They
will kill me and laugh at my corpse, just as if I'd kill myself. I will
lose. I don't want to lose, I have people to kill.
If you are a terrorist, no one will see it until you take your gun out
and start shooting. But if you are a guy in a dress, everyone will see
it, all this homophobic and transphobic society, all those punks who
hunt LGBT people for sport. I can't defend myself against a swarm
without a gun. Heh, a gun, what a recurring theme.
And so I quit my job, I've tried to kill myself again, I ended up in
psychiatric hospital. And they told me that I have a mental condition
and need to take pills for the rest of my life. Of course, I never told
anyone about wanting to kill people. I didn't want to lose.
But of course, no amount of pills will fix society so I kept being
hospitalized every few months. And I've tried different doctors,
different hospitals, paid and government funded. My family even needed
to ask friends for money so I can go in a paid hospital. But all they
could do is to give me pills. Fuckers.
But I never gave up. As long as I'm alive, I want to kill people. If I
get a gun and go on a killing spree, I would be the life worth living.
And as I write this, I see how thousands of intelligence agencies'
employees are carefully studying this letter, I see a police at my door,
locking me up. But I don't care, I will end up in a psychiatric hospital
again, for the countless time. I've spent years living in fear that
police will find me, but in the end I was the one who asked to be found.
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